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anxiety and self sabotaging (just want to went)

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  • anxiety and self sabotaging (just want to went)

    Five years and I haven't changed at all. Depression and suicidal thoughts have gone away though so that is always something I guess, but still, anxiety is what's gonna ruin me. I honestly have so little self control that it's affecting every aspect of my life, what decisions I make and how I live my day to day life.

    In some ways I'm managing my anxiety better than before, i can make phone calls without wanting to throw up but in other ways it's worse. I haven't been to school in almost two years because I'm so afraid of failure i can't even bring myself to apply. I have a part time job though and i can drive but even getting groceries is a challenge as is driving to places i haven't been before and making appointments. I'm constantly lying to my family about school and I don't know what to do with my life, it haven't even begun yet and it's already falling apart.

    I'm almost 22 now and this is killing me, I see everyone else moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in this fucking limbo because I have such a fear for failing I would rather not do anything than having it confirmed that I fail at stuff simply because I'll never be good enough, this doesn't even make sense but I'm too fucking sleep deprived right now to care. I think I've somehow managed to link depression and suicidal thoughts together with school because I was at my lowest in high school and I'm afraid going back to school will trigger it again. Same with my fear of handing in assignments, I'm so afraid of becoming numb and apathetic to life and that fear is holding me back.

    I know I'm spoiled and privileged and I know my parents would support me no matter what but I'm just so afraid all the fucking time but I absolutely don't want to move back with them. They love me but I honestly don't think my mum understands how fucking toxic it was for both of us to live under the same roof and I'm such a piece of shit i'll always hold some kinda resentment towards her for how fucking suicidal I was those years. Not that it was her fault, mainly a lack of understanding, having too similar temperaments and misunderstanding each other, but still. I can't go back.

    I'm just kinda surprised now that i've written it down how affected i've been, lol can you even get traumatised by depression, i feel like just normal anxiety wouldn't cause me this much trouble in regards to such a specific thing as school.

    Anyway, just came here to get it off my chest, if anyone is reading hope you have a nice day!

    PS. My dumb ass finally figured out that you can't make a post if you're on private browsing

    also fuck i have bills to pay, anyone wanna take over the adulting? not as fun as 5 year old me thought it would be tbh

    also also, i almost made a post asking how to edit posts lmao I'm actually blind when I'm sleepy
    Last edited by Just-a-little-girl; 2017-08-15, 01:38.